Grief, Death, & Purpose

Lately, when someone I know or love passes away, I find myself asking myself - “Am I grieving the right way? Is it ok to feel the way I do?”  Is there a right way to grieve?  I think most would probably say no.  Death brings about such a bizarre compilation of emotions - shock, sadness, confusion, regret, awareness, sorrow, longing, even joy at the soul’s newly found peace.  How we digest and embrace these emotions, how they settle in our minds and in our bones, dictates our outward reaction.  Mine always seems to settle back in the same place:  If he is gone, but I’m still here, then I haven’t fulfilled my purpose yet in this life.  What is that purpose? How do I find it?  How do I know when I've found it?  And what happens after I do?

Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows. - Pope Paul VI

The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine. - Mignon McLaughlin

Letting go through prayer

The following quote has really been speaking to me this weekend:

"Prayer is, at its heart, a remembering. We pray in order to remember who we are and who God is. In prayer we are able to see the bigger picture and know that we are in this world but not of it. Life on earth is temporary and fleeting, and while we are encouraged to make the most of our time here, in prayer we remember that our ultimate home is with God in heaven. It puts everything into perspective. As you continue your practice of prayer this Lent, allow the long view it offers to relieve your worry, ease your pain, and know that all is well."

I can get so wound up about the here and now, worrying about things out of my control.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm really focusing on letting go - it's amazing the peace that comes with this!  I'm fortunate to be surrounded by a few people in my life right now who are really helping me with this.  So I've been thinking a lot about the "big picture" and keeping things in perspective.  At the end of the day, this life is but a blip on the screen of eternity.

Wine bottles

I threw away six wine bottles tonight.  No, I didn't drink them all.  Well, ok, I did, but a long time ago.  These six wine bottles have been with me in my past four homes.

Here's the backstory on these wine bottles:  They had labels from Hatch Show Print.

That's it.  That's the story.  I liked the way they looked and wanted to keep them for decorative purposes.  You were probably expecting a much better story, right?  While I do still have the cork from the champagne I popped with my friends when I got my first job in DC, these wine bottles have nowhere near the sentimentality.  And yet I kept them.  Through many kitchens and many cross-country moves.  Why?  I honestly have no idea.

Part of my attempt at simplifying my life is to systematically get rid of things that I'm hanging onto unnecessarily. Not just wine bottles (although I feel an odd weight lifted at the thought of not packing them for my next move), but expectations, fears, grudges, and yes, random crap I've accumulated.

My dear cousin texted me today and said "I felt prompted to tell you not to be afraid to step out on a limb and jump - and that it will be okay on the other side."  I loved seeing this message.  Good things are just a leap away...and I'm determined to make the leap lighter in all possible ways.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

An open heart

After publishing my last post, I did a meditation (thanks, Lily!), and the following words were particularly soothing:

"The desires of your heart are always available, provided you are open to receiving them and sharing your gifts with the world."

The thought seems equal parts soothing and terrifying to me at the same time.  I'm going to work on pushing it further into the peaceful realm.

Accepting the Unexpected

I've been trying to write this post for a week.  I just couldn't reconcile it in my brain.  I'm still not sure it says what I'm trying to convey, but I had to set it free from my mind...

When I was twelve or so, I couldn't wait to be 17.  For some reason, that year was set aside in my mind that it was going to be fabulous.  Maybe it was Tim McGraw singing about it, books I had read, or older girls I looked up to.  Whatever it was, I knew it was going to be great.  Well, seventeen came and went without fireworks.  Nothing particularly bad happened that year, but it wasn't the blow-out year that life had led me to believe it would be.

I feel like my life is a continual cycle of that scenario. When I'm 22, this will happen.  When I'm 26, this is going to be.  28…30…etc.

For the past 1-2 years, I've had more people than I can count ask me when I'm going back to school.  Some assume I already have an MBA, others regale me with reason after reason why I should consider it - and sooner, rather than later.  I actually agree with all of their points.  It isn't that I don't WANT to do it.  I actually like learning and school.  The balance of time worries me, but really, that isn't even what is ultimately holding me back.  I think it has do to with those unrealistic and fabricated versions of where my life is supposed to be by X age.  And in a sense, I think I've been holding off on further education until I reach certain other milestones in my life.  But if all my other "milestones" and age marks haven't come to pass as expected, why should this one?  When do I throw out the life I thought I was going to have and pick up the one that's in front of me?  

Intentionally, not vicariously

Approximately 20ish years ago, I was ecstatic to learn that my aunt had given birth to a beautiful baby girl.  For nearly a decade, we had watched baby after baby added to my extended family. Lots of boy babies.  As a kid, I wanted a younger sister more than anything.  I got the next best thing – a little girl cousin.  So ever since the day Madeline was born, she’s had a special place in my heart.

Fast forward 20 years, and that same baby cousin is now a beautiful, hilarious young woman, spreading her wings and living in London for a semester (supposedly, she’s “going to school” – I’m not convinced ;) ).  Confession time:  I was jealous.  My own college experience was a-typical.  I like that it led me to where I am, but it was not the best.  So when I told Madeline to have a fabulous time across the pond, I also told her that I wanted to hear all about it so I could live vicariously through her.  She even promised to write a blog so I could follow her adventures (*cough* Mad…where is that blog by the way? *cough*).

Then a week or two ago something finally starting clicking for me.  Rather than living vicariously, why don’t I just live intentionally?  What is stopping me from still having amazing experiences?  Just because I’m not 21 and in college, doesn’t mean I can’t go backpacking through Europe.  Just because I’m traveling solo, doesn’t mean I can’t take a wonderful vacation.  Just because someone else may appear “better” at something, doesn’t mean I can’t do it or try it as well.

Regrets are funny things.  I have a lot of them.  I think people who say “I don’t have regrets” are crazy.  Or maybe I’m just jealous of people who have no regrets.  Either way, a few big decisions I’ve made in my life continue to haunt me, despite my rational self knowing that there isn’t a thing I can do to change it. So I’ve decided I’m going to take those regrets and work them into intentional choices for the future.  Step 1?  I’m going to London.

A change of scene would sure be great; the thought is nice to contemplate. But the question begs why would you wait - and be late for your life? ~ Mary Chapin Carpenter

Life.

Life is so precious.  Yes, this is a cliche, but I don't know how else to say it.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm currently surrounded by pregnant friends or friends with new babies.  It's been fun to see babies born, hear about gender revelations, and watch my friends' adorable bellies grow.  And I must say, I can design a mean baby shower invitation ;-)

Not all pregnancies go smoothly, though, and I've also shared bad news, fears, and worries.

I guess I don't have a specific "purpose" with this blog post, but just to say that as I watch five close, currently pregnant friends, I'm just struck by the individual hopes, fears, and situations of each one.  For each, life is so fragilely perfect. I hope and pray for the very best for each of them - whatever God deems that to be.

To my beautiful friends whose babies have and haven't yet been born:  I admire you.  I'm in awe of you.  Your baby is so lucky to have you. I'm so struck by the miracle you are a part of.

 (PS: Not all the friends in all these photos are pregnant...don't want to start any rumors ;) )

(PPS: I only posted a photo of baby O because his mom does...if that's not ok, she'll let me know, but I didn't want to post any of the other babies.  Just take my word for it that they are all adorable!)

You can't push a rope

Our lives are a complex matrix of relationships and interactions.  And each one is its own two-way street.  I'm coming to the same realization (for about the 816th time) that -

No matter how good your intention, some people won't accept help.
No matter how much you try, some people won't meet you halfway.

As my dad would say, you can't push a rope.

So I'm trying something different this time.  I'm trying to embrace letting go.  I can't solve everything - even if I believe I'm equipped to do so.  I won't be able to make everyone see things from the same perspective.  And some things aren't actually meant to be at all.  

Finding My Strengths

Last April, I did the StrengthsFinder survey.  I had wanted to do it for a while, and finally got around to it, making sure to take my time going through it, really wanting it to be an accurate analysis.  I was pretty impressed with how spot-on the results seemed.  I know a lot of companies that ask folks to take this survey in order to make sure they know the strengths of their employees and to build the most successful teams.  I think it's a great idea.  So when an executive at work asked me yesterday if I had taken it, and asked if I would send her the results, I gladly complied.  Here are my top 5, and the summary.  Pretty fitting, no?

1. Relator
2. Context
3. Empathy
4. Developer
5. Futuristic

(summary of what these mean at the bottom of this post)

When I gave this to the person who requested it, she said (in jest) that I should have been a nurse :)  It's funny, because aside from having to stick people with sharp objects, I often think I would have loved being in nursing or a similar field.

With so many people today unhappy with their work, fighting for jobs and willing to take any job (understandably in this economy), it's a shame that early on - high school, college, and early career years - more focus isn't placed on a person's true inner strengths and abilities.  Kids are rushed and pressured to pick a college, pick a major, and pick a job, that I can't help but think that many people are missing the chance to follow their passion - where their strength lies.

One of my goals this year (not a resolution, because I don't make those) is to focus on my strengths, and all the things I am uniquely suited to do in this world.

Descriptions:

(1) Relator
People who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

...Driven by your talents, you may be regarded by some individuals as a fine trainer, tutor, or instructor. Occasionally you describe yourself in these terms. Instinctively, you sometimes declare you are as productive as you can be, especially when people allow you to work independently. Having to deal with teammates, classmates, or group members may stymie — that is, hinder — your progress. By nature, you have close companions who frequently seek your guidance. You help them find answers to their personal and professional problems. This makes you a valuable friend....

(2) Context
People who are especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.

...It’s very likely that you are intrigued by experts who can enlighten you about past events or historic people. You are particularly interested in history’s contribution to the current state of affairs. Driven by your talents, you periodically investigate some of the events, policies, or people whose actions contributed to worldwide wars. Because of your strengths, you may be a history buff — that is, someone who enjoys studying the past. Chances are good that you may believe that history repeats itself. Sometimes you discover that current events are mere reflections of past occurrences. In your mind, perhaps what has already happened explains the present and foreshadows the future. By nature, you welcome opportunities to hear historians share their thoughts, stories, or theories about prominent people. Your interest probably extends to important events...

(3) Empathy
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

...Driven by your talents, you might contribute to the sense of well-being or contentment others experience. To some extent, you make a point of knowing particular people as individuals. You might notice what makes them distinct or different from everyone else. When you are meeting certain people for the first time, maybe you say or do things to make them laugh and smile. Instinctively, you might work persistently to lift people’s spirits. Perhaps you naturally see the good in individuals or situations. By nature, you may be pleased when certain individuals share with you their emotions, thoughts, or needs. Perhaps you know some of the things they will say even before they speak. Because of your strengths, you may be able to brighten a person’s day by accurately describing an emotion he or she is feeling. It might be sadness or happiness, disappointment or elation, despair or hope, hate or love, tranquility or anger. Perhaps your awareness of certain individuals’ moods helps them turn around their negative thinking. Some of your best days might come when you change at least one frown into a smile. Chances are good that you may feel honored when specific individuals trust you enough to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you understand that the act of listening is both helpful and healing...

(4) Developer
People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

...It’s very likely that you may do whatever it takes to know someone on a personal level. Periodically the insights you gain help you bestow appropriate recognition on the individual. To some extent, you instinctively understand the level of attention or the amount of time the person needs from you to feel truly appreciated. Perhaps the experience of winning means more to you than any monetary reward. Instinctively, you like to lift the spirits of the people around you. You know what to do and say so individuals feel useful, valued, appreciated, and important. By nature, you occasionally take time to discover some of the likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, or idiosyncrasies of individuals. You might gain satisfaction from telling people how much you value their contributions and accomplishments. Chances are good that you can sometimes instill a sense of self-worth in individuals. Perhaps you are one of the people in their lives who values them, sees what they can become, and believes in them...

(5) Futuristic
People who are especially talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They inspire others with their visions of the future.

...Because of your strengths, you occasionally put great effort into conjuring mental images of the future. Perhaps some people lack your ability to envision what will be possible in the coming months, years, or decades. As a result, they may rely on you to do this visioning for them. Instinctively, you may design forward-looking plans for a specific aspect of your life, such as investments, entrepreneurial ventures, education, vacations, or retirement. Driven by your talents, you are a visionary thinker. Your vivid mental images of the coming months, years, or decades often impel you to move into action. It’s very likely that you may sense that your life has deep meaning. With remarkable vividness, you occasionally imagine where you will be, what you will be doing, and what you will have the ability to accomplish in the coming months, years, or decades. To some degree, your dreams of tomorrow are alive in your mind today. Perhaps you strive to transform these possibilities into reality. Chances are good that you gain a certain degree of satisfaction from envisioning what your life and the world might be like in the coming months, years, or decades...

"Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.” – Seneca

Tomorrow, one of my best friends is moving to Costa Rica.  The same day, my cousin is moving to London for five months.  And another friend just spent a month and a half in Australia and is soon headed to Chile.

I like Nashville.  But I *love* traveling to new places.  Everything about it stirs my soul.

In no particular order, the places I have never been and to which I long to travel within the next three years:

UK

Napa Valley

Pacific Ocean (I've never seen it!)

Costa Rica

Route 66 (drive the original road)

San Francisco

Australia

Corydon, IA

Longer term:

Vienna

Vietnam

St. Petersburg, Russia

Greece

Alaska

South Africa

Tales of texting

Ever since I was young, I would imagine that after I got engaged, I would be sitting in a booth in some little restaurant with three of my oldest friends.  I've known all them since I was 5. We would be sipping our drinks as I explain that I wanted to talk to all three of them together, and then I'd excitedly tell them the story of the previous night and show them the ring I'd been hiding.  Smiles and shrill shrieks would ensue.  This is how it always played out in my mind.

I'm not married, but even today, when I picture one day telling my friends that I'm engaged, my brain still reverts to that silly "all four friends in a booth" scenario.  And it's funny considering the fact that the four of us live in three different cities, so the chances of my story playing out that way is, well, unlikely to say the least.  I know two different couples who got engaged on New Year's Eve a few days ago. The weird part to me is how I received the news - both were by text.  I'm thrilled for both couples - and there is nothing at all wrong with texting, as my iPhone would attest.  But I can't help but wonder about the genuine human emotion that we're missing out on while using our constant crutch of technology.  Am I the only one who wants to gasp and smile and hug people when they get good news?  Or to be immediately regaled with the play by play of events?  I guess I need to reconfigure my future post-engagement scenario.  4-way FaceTime?  What do you think, gals?

Give me the simple life...

Winston Churchill once said, “out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge.” I love simplicity. I always have. It makes my blood pressure drop just thinking about it. If there is a problem, I try to break it down into clean simple pieces. If something is not needed, I want to get rid of it. To me, simple doesn’t mean easy.  Steve Jobs even said that “simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple.”   I’ve noticed that in my life – whether it’s my work, training my dog, or relationships with friends - I'm always trying to make it simple.  Not easy, but clean, understandable, actionable chunks.  (Is my type A brain starting to show itself?)

So as I try to live life to the simplest, I’ll be writing here to simply explore life in the context of all of its complexities – trying to focus on simplicity and purpose amidst a world full of complex distractions battling for my attention and room on my proverbial plate.

This isn’t my first blog, but it’s one of the more personal ones I’ve ever done.  And it's just for me.  Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE for everyone reading this to engage and leave me notes and comments, but at the end of the day, I love writing. I love thinking about things and putting my thoughts into words. So I'm doing this for me.  But if there are others who want to come along with me on this ride, well, then I'm flattered :)